10.01.2008 0

In America, ‘anyone’ can be president or vice president

  • On: 10/22/2008 15:10:54
  • In: Hard Left
  • ALG Editor’s Note: If ever a commentary spoke for itself, this one—from Small Town, America—does itself proud:

    In America, ‘anyone’ can be president or vice president

    Published on Sunday, September 14, 2008

    One of the great things about America is that you don’t have to come from a royal house to be a leader. You don’t have to be born to a wealthy dynasty. We like to say that anyone can become president.

    When we consider candidates for high office, we look to see how their lives link to the sweat and hardship, difficulty and victory, struggle and overcoming that formed our nation.

    If some candidates have led a soft life, we’ll listen politely when they describe their parents’ or ancestors’ struggles. If they have no relatives with stirring stories of triumph, we’ll even humor them when they borrow such stories (and whole coal mining ancestors) from British politicians.

    When even that doesn’t work, we’ll believe them when they talk of concerned constituents with serious problems, and we’ll chuck the idea of accomplishment out the windowand settle for compassion.

    But lately, things have changed. Certain qualities we didn’t know were necessary to high office are becoming clear, thanks to the media’s pointed questions and criticisms. Only certain people, we now understand, are fit for high office.

    In America, anyone can achieve the highest position, that is, anyone who doesn’t come from a small town. Small town government experience doesn’t cut it. You can budget, manage, learn, direct and respond until you are blue in the face, but your experience will count for nothing.

    Anyone can seek high office. Oh. Except governors of large states with small populations. You don’t really “know” America if your state is sparsely populated. If you haven’t tried sushi or frequented an oxygen bar, you’re trailer trash.

    Anyone can run unless they use guns. Guns are OK for photo shoots. Serious gun owners should apply, instead, for work at McDonald’s. Guns reveal primitive, hostile tendencies that make our global neighbors nervous. Guns are scary. The smart people in Europe don’t use them at all. Why can’t candidate photo shoots feature pepper spray?

    Anyone can run for president or VP. Unless, of course, they are punished with more than, say, two children. One child is preferred, if there must be children. Two are acceptable. More than two, however, is a little extreme, and White House china might be in danger.

    Anyone can run as long as they don’t take their religion seriously. Mild half-references to deity might be allowed – in some circumstances – but any acknowledgment of actual, daily devotion to God is a big no-no. Your god must be distant, sterile and largely symbolic.

    Anyone can run, unless they’ve only attended a state college. You can’t possibly understand the threats to America unless you’ve taken international relations classes from Harvard or Yale.

    Anyone can run unless they overvalue the military. Little nods to the troops are all right, if done sparingly. More than that, though, and you are setting up the Third Reich. You’re too dangerous to be trusted.

    Anyone can run, man or woman. But if you must be a woman, it’s best to ride in on the coattails of a husband, father or uncle. And you must act like you don’t enjoy being a woman. Speak in a gruff voice and look unhappy. Happy women should stay at home and not trouble their pretty little heads about politics.

    Anyone can run for high office, but only if firmly convinced that America is to blame for most of the world’s problems. If you like your country too much, you really aren’t fit to run it.

    Donna Marmorstein writes and lives in Aberdeen. She can be contacted at dkmarmorstein@yahoo.com.

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