09.30.2009 0

Not Their Kind of Town

  • On: 10/05/2009 09:31:55
  • In: Barack Obama
  • By Carter Clews

    The world has clearly gone nuts.

    How in the name of all that is good and just is Barack Obama supposed to bring lasting peace, true prosperity, and White House beer busts to the entire world if they won’t even let him get in a little playtime in sweet home Chicago?

    With just the sound of his mellifluous voice, Dear Leader has already ended a recession (well, all right, not quite – but what’s a few million unemployed?), cured the ills of all ailing Americans (well, he would have if those redneck Tea Partiers out in mid-America hadn’t turned on him), and ended green house gases once and for all (stay with me, I’m doing a little future viewing here).

    And yet, even after all of that, those idiots over in Copenhagen refused to show their appreciation by giving Dear Leader a chance to get in a little record-setting pole vaulting, long-distance shot-putting, and breaking the three-minute mile – without even breaking a sweat.

    Did you see the announcement? I’m asking you, did you see the actual announcement? Those stupid dunceheads in Copenhagen didn’t even have the decency to make it a close finish. Voted out Barry, Michelle, and Oprah on the very first ballot! And after Michelle had even got all touchy-feely and shared her horrifying childhood in oppressive America with them.

    Can’t they even appreciate a good sob story?

    And Barry … well, Barry even promised that all those foreigners would be allowed to visit our shores again. And that he would personally welcome their “tired, poor huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Oh, wait a minute, that was the Statue of Liberty, wasn’t it? All right, all right, so I got the two mixed up. But, in Dear Leader’s case, at least he really meant it. He told us so at the UN.

    So, now, what do we do? Where do we turn after the whole wide world tells us in no uncertain terms that — unlike Barry, Mich, and the Big O – they really don’t consider Chicago “that toddlin’ town”? It is decidedly not their “kind of town”? And they don’t give a hoot in Hades whether Billy Sunday couldn’t shut it down, or not.

    It may be “one place that won’t let you down” – but the IOC sure as heck let it down. And Dear Leader along with it.

    All right, now, let’s step back, take a deep breath, and see if we can collect ourselves here. After all, we don’t want to look like CNN’s stunned on-air Obamatons who were rendered so speechless by the announcement that they had to cut to a commercial while they changed their undergarments.

    Let’s put it all into perspective here. Sure, it was a massive, international public humiliation for the man who only days earlier had told the world that he, alone, had redirected the course of history, and had become beloved among all men. Who could forget the standing ovation he received from our closest allies, Khadafy, Chavez, and good old Mahmoud? Why, Chris Matthews’ legs are still tingling.

    And, sure, it probably cost the bankrupt U.S. government five or six million dollars to send Barry, Michelle, Oprah, Air Jordan, and whoever else peopled Dear Leader’s entourage over to sweep the Copenhagenians off their feet. But, what’s a few million dollars here and there when you consider the “sacrifice” Michelle told the world she, Barry, Oprah, and Air had to make to wine and dine among the elite “for the sake of the children”?

    No, let’s set the record straight right here and now: this was an unmitigated slap in the face by a bunch of bigoted, international xenophobes who don’t know quality whey they see it and may have just blown the last chance they will ever have for peace in our time, a chicken in every pot, and the biggest beer bust this side of a Teamsters Union board meeting.

    Why … why – all right, I’ll say it: these are the kind of people who would probably boo the Second Coming of Christ. In fact, it is very likely that from Dear Leader’s vantage point, they just did.

    Carter Clews is the Executive Editor of ALG News.

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