By Carter Clews
I have a confession to make: I used to write direct mail and ad copy for the legendary “Wizard of Odds,” one of top handicappers in sports history. As CNN talk totem Larry King once said, he “invented the modern handicapping industry.” So, I know a little bit about picking winners – as well as glossing over losers.
All of which brings me to that “Wizard of Ooze,” Barack Obama. Let’s face it, were Barack Obama a professional handicapper, he would, by now, have buried more players than Calvary Cemetery (Queens), populated by three million (and counting) including Vito Corelone and, more recently “Lefty Guns” Ruggiero.
As I watched The Oozeters’s Super Bowl pick, the Colts, fall ingloriously to the Who Dat Saints last Sunday, I couldn’t help but think of the letter I would be writing for Bad News Obama were I still in the business of assuaging outraged gamblers and persuading them to “get down now” on next week’s games. After all, no one – but no one – can rewrite history like Barack Obama :
Dear Serious Player,
How about those Saints?! Who Dat? Us, that’s who!
I told you they were a strong team – in fact, like I told little Katie, they were my sentimental favorites. And didn’t they prove the old “Master Forecaster” right as rain once again?!
Now, I know what the whiners are going to say, “But you picked the Colts, and they lost.” And I also know that, like me, that’s the last thing you want to hear. Nobody likes a whiner. And that’s why you and I have been winners all season long … busting the bookies like a mean machine … while the girly men were losing their shirts like a low-rent laundry.
Let’s lay it on the line. We had that game won. And I mean won big – as in shredding the spread like a Peyton pass. Forget about pushes, picks, and squeakers. We were already walking to the bank and writing our deposits – while the scamdicappers were wondering where the mellow went.
Let me take you back for a minute. All the way back to the first quarter when Manning opened the game with that TD pass to Parson Garcon. Was that a dream moment, or what?
I know that you were saying, “Oh, boy, the Wizard of Ooze has done it again!” … “The Master Forecaster is on top of his game!” … “Swami Obami has cashed in with his crystal ball!”
That’s what makes being one of my Top Spot, Hot Shot customers so fantastic, isn’t it? I tell you that Manning is going to manhandle the Saint’s secondary – and bingo, right out of the gate, you’re in the green!
Now, I know that all the sports announcers are jabbering about the Saints going on to win. And let them have their fun. But you and I both know it was only because of one flukey on-side kick.
And you know what? I called that kick –called it as soon as the first half ended. It was all written out on my teleprompter. But there was no way to get hold of you at that particular point of time.
Which is why I am now offering my exclusive new BaRock’em Sockem “InstaCall Winners Service” for my special Hot Shot members only – ABSOLUTELY FREE!
You heard me right: sign up now at absolutely no charge (just $525 shipping and handling), and from now on, I will have my Cabinet Members personally call you immediately the moment I realize a game-changing play is about to occur.
No other President has even thought of offering such a service. But now, it can be yours FREE, just for calling 1-800-BARACK-WINS now!
Just imagine what it would have meant to your bank account if you had had the exclusive new InstaCall Winners Service at game-changing moments like these:
Early on, the pundits were all predicting that Chris Christie would win in New Jersey. But, I personally went up to that backwater outpost and campaigned for that crook Jon Corzine – and I told you flat out that my presence alone would assure a victory.
It would have, too, if Imus hadn’t stepped in and bailed out that fat slob Christie. I wanted to tell you the moment it happened – but you didn’t have my InstaCall Winners Service. So, please don’t let that happen again. Call me now!
Then, there was that totally unpredictable underdog upset in the former slave state of Virginia. Again, I personally placed my own self on the line – and again I predicted a major victory for that whinny little Creigh Deeds.
And he would have won in a walk, too, if the voters hadn’t turned against him. (You know, I’m really starting to hate those people). I saw it coming – I really did – right at the last minute. But, again, there was no way to let you know. Sign up now for my FREE InstaCall service – to stay in the know and the dough!
And, of course, I called it perfectly up in Massachusetts. Sure, a lot of the naysayers criticized my campaign appearances for that ignorant loser Marcia Coatley. (How was I supposed to know that people like pick-up trucks?) But I’m proud of the way I pulled it out for her.
Then, of course, she blew it all at the last minute. Just as I knew she would. And just as I would have told you – had you signed up for my InstaCall Winners Service. So, don’t delay, call today – and let’s keep our winning streak on a wild roll!
I could go on – but you’re an Obama Winner, so you already know what kind of roll we’re on. The health care bill, cap and trade, Van Jones, Tom Daschle, Sanjay Gupta – Winner, Winner, Winner, Winner, Winner.
Oh, I know that the critics will say we lost on those calls. But, I knew hours ahead of time that those losers were going down for the count – and you would have known, too, with my all-new FREE InstaCall Winners Service for just $595 a month shipping and handling.
So, don’t wait one more minute to get in the Obama Winners Service and start making your dash for the cash – day after money-making day. Let me do for you what I’ve already done for the federal budget!
But, wait, there’s even more!
Just this morning, Michelle and I were looking at my Nobel Peace Prize glimmering on the White House mantle and she said, “Barack, don’t you wish everyone could have a Nobel Peace Prize like this?”
And I said, “Michelle, not only can they have a Nobel Peace Prize to call their own – now, they will. Because I am going to make it happen!!That’s right, call now for your FREE InstaCall Winners Service – and I will include ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE, your very own Nobel Peace Prize, (you pay $295 S&H) suitable for mounting on your mantle, or even wearing around your neck.
Now, aren’t you glad you stayed with me through the whole Super Bowl – not to mention my first budget – no, make that bookie – busting year in office? Let the losers have their pity parties. Winners don’t whine – and neither do you.
Call now for your FREE InstaCall Winners Service – and let me turn your hopes into change!
Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama
The Wizard of Ooze
There you have it – everything the “Serious Player” could want to stay in the game with the Wizard of Ooze. I hope you’re getting your money on the table. Because come November, Barack “The Master Forecaster” Obama could make you a very rich person … by betting odds-on against his every pick — and playing your limit where he campaigns in person. Call now and cash in!
Carter Clews is the Executive Editor of ALG News.
