By Rebecca DiFede — On Nov. 17, in a statement that would shock the world, scientists in Brussels, Belgium released the most important discovery of the century: water can no longer be considered healthy, as it is not a significant cure for dehydration.
One can almost hear the screams of joy from college students everywhere — and the accompanying groans from their parents — running to every liquor store in town to stock up, laughing as they wheel cases full of beer and liquor into their flats “for health reasons”.
In possibly the most pathetic excuse for science in history, 21 European scientists spent three years, and countless taxpayer dollars to study the link between water and dehydration — a concept that is too stupid to even delve into — before coming up with the aforementioned conclusion.
The study showed, as they put it, “reduced water content in the body was a symptom of dehydration rather than a risk factor that drinking water could control.” I know…my head hurts, too.
Dear scientists, did Gatorade pay you to say this? By your own definition, dehydration is shown by reduced water content in the body. So then, wouldn’t the logical way to fix that to be to put more water into it? Is it because water doesn’t have an exciting, outdoors-inspired name like “Mountain Blast” or “Arctic Chill”?
Now I’m no biologist, but I seem to remember learning in my 7th grade life science class that the human body was 70 percent water. And if so, wouldn’t drinking water be about the healthiest thing you could do? If nearly all of your body is dependent on it? Or maybe perhaps biology is wrong about what is good for us, and if so I would like to start myself on a Big Mac diet immediately.
Stating that water is unhealthy is the same as saying porcupines are soft, or that running into walls repeatedly will make your body more durable; it’s just absolutely insane. But perhaps the most ridiculous part of this “scientific discovery” is the law that comes with it.
Oh yes. The ruling that bottled water may no longer be labeled as healthy was signed off on by European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso, and will be enacted into law on Dec. 6 of this year. And any manufacturer found in violation of this law faces up to two years in prison for daring to claim that the very building block of the human body is not suitable for consumption.
So how long until Deer Park vodka comes out? Because I hear you have to drink eight bottles a day.
Rebecca DiFede is a contributing editor to Americans for Limited Government.
