Dear Faithful Reader,
You will be happy to know that I have petitioned the Official Heavenly Host Committee to name Barack Obama “God.”
I mean, come on, why drag it out? We all know it’s inevitable. So, why make everyone sit around on their hands, grumbling and mumbling, and feeling all put off?
All the Heavenly Hosts have to do is “shone round about us,” bring us some “good tidings of great joy,” sing a few “Hosannas ” – and, presto, Barack is “God.” Then, we’ll all have so much warm and fuzzy “peace on earth, good will towards men,” “spears into pruning hooks,” and “swords into plowshares” that we’ll soon feel like we’ve had a universal frontal lobotomy.
No, please, stay with me here. I think I’m really onto something. It’s kind of like what the Nobel Peace Prize Committee did – but, this time, there’s far more justification. If you doubt that, just ask Tingly Chris and the Swooney Toons over at MSNBC.
After all, look at the record of the “Other Guy” – the one Barack will be replacing. As Barack, Himself, told us at the United Nations, with Him (Barack, that is), “all things are new.” (I know that phrase is in red in the old King James Versions of the Bible, so some of you may think the Other Guy said it first. But just keep in mind that Barack said it better.)
Let’s face it, on the Other Guy’s watch, things really did not go all that well, did they now? Ever hear of World Wars I and II? How about the Great Depression? Then, there was that unpleasantness with the Bubonic Plague. And who could forget Hurricane Katrina? That never would even have happened if Barack Himself had been in the Oval Office scanning the horizon for developing clouds with his majestic finger on the firmament.
And how about The Flood? Yeah, how about that? The Other Guy not only allowed it – he caused it, for pete’s sake! Noah and Emily (or whatever her name was) and the kids were lucky to have escaped with their lives. And what’s with that two of each animal bit? No wonder we don’t have any pachycephalosaurias and hairy mammoths left. Apparently the Other Guy forgot that “Extinction is forever” (as the loopy-gloopy environmentalists are forever reminding us).
Not to mention that time when I was eight years old, and I had to be operated on for a triple hernia – that’s right, both sides and the belly button! You think that was a bowl of cherries? And where was the Other Guy then? You think Barack Himself would have allowed such a thing? Not on your life – not with his public option firmly in place!
Okay, okay, I know that the naysayers out there are saying, “Sure, Barack deserves to be “God” … but isn’t it a little soon? After all, He’s only been in office less than a year, and He really hasn’t accomplished that much – yet.”
Boy, I hate it when they say stuff like that. They are the exact same kind of people who want to wait for flowers to bloom and bananas to ripen. Get a life, will you?! This is not a dress rehearsal, you know. What are you waiting for – the 12th of never? Some of us happen to live in the present. As the great Jessie Jackson once said, “I’m a tree shaker, not a jelly maker.”
Wait? Why wait? Look around you, will you? Let me ask you this: Have you seen one major plague on Barack’s watch? One World War? A Depression? (Okay, okay, okay, we’ll call that one a draw). One earth-drenching Flood? How about an extinct dinosaur? Have you seen one of them on Barack’s watch? I don’t think so.
Not to mention a triple hernia!
So, that’s it. That’s why I am proud to say that I have already sent my petition heavenward to the Official Heavenly Hosts Committee itself to name Barack Himself “God.”
Expect the announcement at any moment. And, oh, by the way, you may also expect a considerable increase in your annual tithe.
Sincerely,
Carter L. Clews
Special Advisor to the Heavenly Host Committee
