By Carter Clews
It almost seems too good to be true. And one has to wonder how the Nobel Boys, Al and Barack, overlooked it in their selfless, never-ending quest to save the world from pollution, progress – and, of course, the United States of America.
It’s all laid out in black and white. It literally jumps out at you off the page. And the very thought that America has allowed to languish for nearly 20 long, filthy, money-grubbing years almost brings tears to your eyes.
It is U.S. Patent #4410060. It’s called the “Power-Assisted Velocipede.” And had Ronald Reagan and his band of cut-throat Robber Barons not conspired to cover up its invention way back on November 16, 1981, we would all now be breathing pristine air, basking in the cool, crisp air of a crystal clear ozone layer — and, of course, enjoying the full fruits of a would be at peace.
Now, at last, the full story can be told (since I, personally, ferreted through 7 million patents and more than 1 million patent applications to find it). So, brace yourself, because I’m going to blow the cover on this baby!
First, of course, you have to fully understand what a velocipede is – because then, and only then, can you begin to imagine the full scope of what it could mean to mankind for generations to come (once Barry, Al, et al, introduce their “Velocipedes for Clunkers” program, of course).
It looks kind of like … well, there are a lot of models … but picture, if you will, a tricycle. Now, make it bigger than the Hopalong Casidy model you might have had as a kid (mine was two-tone black and white – and, man, that thing could scat). And there you have it.
And talk about energy efficient! But, that’s just the beginning. Here’s how the inventor of the Power-Assisted Velocipede described it in his Patent 4410060 Abstract (this is good stuff):
“A power-assisted velocipede can be propelled selectively or concurrently by pedal power and by a battery-operated power unit. The velocipede includes a pedal crank which is mechanically coupled to the rear wheel by way of a sprocket incorporating an overrunning clutch and the power unit is mechanically coupled to the rear wheel by way of a second sprocket also incorporating a one-way clutch, both clutches operating….”
The Abstract goes on a little longer, but I think you get the picture. And besides, you can only take so much excitement.
Now, here’s my point: Why in the world would an energy-saving, spanky clean, ozone-saving, global cooling invention like the Power-Assisted Velocipede be allowed to sit unheralded underneath 7 million other patents and 1 million pending patents until I, personally, revealed it to a waiting world?
Well, I think you know the answer to that one, don’t you? Capitalist pigs. There, I’ve said it – and I’m not sorry I did. That’s right, I’m talking about the oil companies, Ronald Reagan, the car makers (or whatever’s left of them), people who don’t bathe regularly so they don’t care about cleanliness anyway, and, of course, George Bush.
They covered it up. I know they did. You know they did. And it’s time we tell the whole world. Shout it from the rooftops. Twitter it, text it, and tattoo it on your forehead: If the capitalist pigs had not deliberately suppressed Patent # 4410060, the whole world today would be filling its collective lungs with clean air, the ozone layer would be unholy (or whatever), and we could be eating off of the sidewalks.
And talk about world peace! Why, just think for a moment if the Nobel Boys replaced every single solitary military vehicle with Power-Assisted Velocipedes. Why, there would be no more war. I mean, can you imagine going into battle on a 1966 Blaze-O-Jet trike, or a ’66 Garton Super Sonda. Ain’t gonna happen Pally!
So, there you have it: the Power-Assisted Velocipede — the perfect, left-wing, peddle-powered solution to every problem facing mankind today.
Of course, you’d have to expect a little discomfiture along the way, what with mass starvation, the total collapse of Western Civilization, the end of industrialized society, and most people having to go back to living in caves. But, as Nobel Barry said on the campaign trail, “”We can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times… “
And, you know what? That’s actually that’s a small price to pay for a good gulp of fresh air, isn’t it? Especially when it includes bringing the nasty old Uncle Sam to his knees for 200 years of tossing suet in Ma Nature’s face. Yep, I think I see another Nobel Prize on the near horizon. I really do. So, bring on the Velocipedes for Clunkers – and put the pedal to the metal!
Carter Clews is the Executive Editor of ALG News.
